Breaking Point
by MaryFan1
Summary: Post Gambler's Fallacy AU. Rolivia moments.


The respite had been short lived. After the mess she made going undercover in a gambling ring Amanda Rollins had been on thin ice.

_Lieutenant Murphy may trust you but I don't_

The words rang in her ears long after her CO Sargeant Oliva Benson had said them. But it wasn't long until the man who had saved her in that gambling ring had saved her again. Declan Murphy had been assigned as CO of SVU mainly because of the William Lewis trial but had stayed on for a while. Putting a buffer of sorts between Amanda and the woman who's respect she had craved. It was almost pathetic. But he was gone, undercover again somewhere and Olivia was back in charge. Amanda had hoped that maybe, just maybe, enough time had passed that it would be okay. They had gotten along well enough while Murphy was there. But it seemed she was wrong. Maybe it was just her imagination but it seemed that every point she made about a case was either ignored or outright criticized. Now she stood pacing in her superior's office trying to convince the woman that an undercover op was the best way to proceed with their current case.

"Come on Sargeant. This is a good lead." Amanda said

"Rollins, we don't have enough to warrant an undercover op. Not one as dangerous as this." Olivia said from behind her desk as she leaned back in her chair

"Yeah right." Amanda snapped, "If it was one of them." She gestured to Amaro and Fin who sat, uncomfortably in the chairs in front of Olivia's desk as the two women seemed to be playing out their issues in front of them, well Amanda was anyway

"Excuse me." Olivia said as Fin said, "Don't drag us into this."

"Are you really gonna make me say it?" Amanda asked as Olivia crossed her arms over her chest and with a tilt of her head told her to keep going, "You shoot down every idea I have, ignore every observation. Do you know who really found the connection in the Stanton case? That was me. But I had Nick tell you because I knew you'd at least listen to him."

Olivia looked at Nick who averted his eyes in a way that confirmed the blonde detective's statement.

Fin started to get up, "We uh, we should let you two work this out."

"No!" Amanda practically shouted, "I'm done." And with that she stormed out of the office

Olivia sat up and rested her elbows on her desk and let out a slow breath.

"Let me talk to her." Fin said

"No," Olivia held up her hand, "This is between the two of us." She rose from her seat

"Look, Liv, I wanted to say something about the Stanton thing. But she…"

Olivia shook her head, "It's okay, Nick. I need to…I need to straighten this out."

She left her office as a worried Fin and Amaro exchanged glances.

/

Up in the cribs Amanda was trying to cool down. What had she just done? Going off like that. If Olivia wasn't wanting to transfer before she sure would now. But it was like an explosion she couldn't stop. She was trying so hard and it didn't seem to matter. She thought about Cragen. How he'd helped her and even every so often checked in on her. Asked her how she was doing. But she knew he'd be disappointed in her now and he might have taken her shield. That would have been devastating but better than being somewhere you're not wanted. Even when Murphy was there he, in his own way, did the same. In the month before he came after she reamed her a new one Olivia never once asked. She wasn't expecting Olivia to be her friend. Even when they were peers she gave up on that. But she had hoped as CO that she at least cared about the well being of her people. If for no other reason than to make sure they were fit for duty.

A soft knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and she turn to see the door open and Olivia step into the room.

_Not now. Just. Not. Now._

She turned and faced the window unable to look her superior in the eye.

"Amanda," Olivia said, "We, uh, we should talk."

"Talk? You mean I listen and you talk." She said, "I mean, that's why you're here. To ream me out again."

Olivia sighed and thrust her hand in her pockets, "No, I'm not." She said softly, "Look at me, please."

Amanda reluctantly turned around and she was surprised to see something close to concern.

"You think I'm being unfair to you?" Olivia asked

"Look, I shouldn't have said that. Especially in front of Fin and Amaro. Just…just forget it."

"I can't, Amanda." Olivia replied, "You think I'm not giving you a fair shake here and that's not…,that's not what I intended."

"Well, you made it clear you don't want me here." She replied, "I've never heard you speak to Fin or Nick the way you speak to me. Always some snide comment."

Olivia's brow furrowed, "What do you mean?"

Amanda scoffed, "How about 'You do your job and I'll do mine Rollins'. Or 'Don't oversell it Rollins'."

"You came in here late making all kinds of excuses." Olivia pointed out, "And are you referring to the Lacey Unknown case? I told you I'd get her an eval but you just kept pressing. I would have done the same thing if it were someone else."

Amanda turned back to the window, "You know I've watched you since I've been here. The way you are with victims. All that compassion and telling them how strong they are. They can face their attacker and being to heal. I know how badly I screwed up but I had hoped, maybe, you would've…" she signed and shook her head

"I would've what, Amanda?"

Amanda wiped away a tear and cleared her throat, "That maybe you would've had some of that compassion for me."

"Amanda, you got yourself into a situation that could have gotten you killed. If Murphy hadn't been there. You put me in a terrible position. Everything that happens in this unit is on me."

"So it made you look bad, is that it?"

"No, that's not what I meant. But you almost went to jail. I had no idea what was happening. But the safety and well being of this squad is my responsibility now. I took that on with no notice whatsoever. Cragen sprang that on me when he made his announcement to all of us and right out of the gate I've got Amaro sulking about desk duty then you got yourself in that mess. Believe it or not I was barely treading water."

"You? Since when are you ever not in control?"

"More times than you know." Olivia admitted

"You have no idea what it's like." Amanda said, "To be your own worse enemy. I'm not discounting what you went through with your mom. I know what that must have been like. Or what you went through with Lewis. But you have no idea what it's like to be the addict. To have to fight yourself everyday. You go to sleep at night grateful you made it one more day without giving in only to have to fight all over again the next day. And the next. Some days it's easy. You don't think about it. Other days it's like a drum beat in your head you can't get rid of."

Olivia walked up behind her and put her hand on Amanda's shoulder.

"Cragen understood. He got me into GA. Even checked up on me from time to time. But he also said if I screwed up again I'd lose my shield. So I guess I should be grateful. But you don't trust me. So why am I even here? I wouldn't be if you could have gotten rid of me. So why should I have expected you to care."

"I do care, Amanda." She assured the young woman

"When I said I was going to do whatever I could to make things right between us all you said was 'we're done here'. I knew then…" She trailed off

"Knew what?"

"That you didn't believe in me. That I couldn't come to you if I was in trouble. I was on my own like always."

"Amanda, what did you want me to say?" Olivia asked

"That you believed I could rebuild that trust. That there was a chance I could make it right. You're my CO so it's not like I expect us to be BFFs and I'm not talking about hand holding. This is a police station not a day care. But just to know that maybe one day you'll want me on your team and I won't be here just because we're shorthanded."

"Amanda I do believe you can do that. You already are and I guess I didn't…I'm still…I know you're going to GA but if you feel like you're in trouble or could be you can come to me. As angry as I was about what you did I know you had to be scared out of your mind. I could have helped if you had come to me. Your safety is important no matter how angry I might be."

Amanda looked at her skeptically.

Olivia sighed, "You are right, though. I don't know what it's like to be the addict." She paused and looked down, "Look, I know that from the beginning things were always kind of…tense…between us. And at least some of that's on me."

"Well, it didn't seem you wanted to work with me or Amaro for that matter." Amanda replied wiping her eyes

"That wasn't about you, either of you. It was me. When you were hired I found out my partner had put in his papers without so much as a word to me. I'd been calling him but he never called me back."

"He shot that girl, right?" Amanda asked

Olivia nodded, "He'd been my partner for twelve years. That's like a lifetime for what we do. Cragen kept telling me to get my act together and get used to working with other detectives."

"I know that must have been hard. All the changes going on."

"It was. But that wasn't your fault and I'm sorry if you thought it was."

Amanda just shrugged, "Like I said, I never expected us to be friends." She looked out the widow again

Olivia thought for a moment, "Listen, why don't you and I make a clean slate, huh?"

Amanda turned to look at her, "What do you mean?'

"Just that. We start fresh. I can't necessarily forget what happened. But I can see you are trying."

Amanda smiled gratefully, "I am. I go to meetings almost everyday."

Olivia nodded, "And I want to know, as your CO, how you're doing and…" she paused, "As your friend."

Amanda's jaw dropped a little.

"Now, let's get back to work." She said, business like once more, "But I mean it Amanda. I want to trust you but you need to know you can trust me too."

"Copy that Sargeant." She said with a grin

Olivia just shook her head, "Come on, we've got an undercover op to plan." And with that she walked out of the room with Amanda staring after her

The End


End file.
